dee-wood:

jinxtimesinfinity:

askragtatter:

anonymous-bosch:

the-sky-traveler:

my brother is teaching his cat how to high five by giving her a treat every time she successfully taps her hand to his hand, which is all well and good, but now she thinks that she is entitled to food every time she high fives someone.  i can’t eat in the same room as her anymore because she’ll just bap my hand rapid fire and then go nyoom straight in for my pizza like no Kelly that’s illegal go finish ur own dinner

“No Kelly, that’s illegal.”

So, a while back, I was using clicker-training to teach my cat Taz tricks. She learned very quickly and it was a good experience all around, but we had to hide the clicker.

Taz had learned that the clicker meant she got treats. So she would find it, carry it up to people, step on it to make it click, and then SCREAM AT THEM to give her the treats she was clearly owed because the clicker had made a sound.

Cats

Pavlov is rolling over laughing in his grave.

chiibbo:

jkl-fff:

maramahan:

808lien:

colacharm:

wildlyannoyingdoofus:

colacharm:

by me, a fool who doesnt wanna die anymore 

1. never make a suicide joke again. yes this includes “i wanna die” as a figure of speech. swear off of it. actually make an effort to change how you think about things.
2. find something to compliment someone for at least 4 times a day. notice the little things about the world that make you happy, and use that to make other people happy.
3. talk to people. initiate conversation as often as you possibly can. keep your mind busy and you wont have to worry anymore
4. picture the bad intrusive thoughts in youe head as an edgy 13 year old and tell them to go be emo somewhere else
5. if someone makes you feel bad most of the time, stop talking to them. making yourself hang out with people who drain you is self harm. stop it.

… 8|

That’s some pretty good advice. I don’t know what’s left of my humor after ‘guess I’ll just die’ jokes but it’s worth a shot.

Personally i went from “guess I’ll die” jokes to “IF I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR 5 MORE MINUTES I PROMISE YOU I WILL BUY JUST, AN ARRAY OF CLOTHES.” and other wild hyperbolic stuff. Just replace the death part with something ridiculous and off topic. Its very entertaining

This also works with calling myself things like stupid, worthless, trash, etc. Even if you do this jokingly to yourself, your brain still believes it, and keeps up the cycle. Seriously, I found that when I stopped saying these things about myself, even jokingly, it made a massive difference.

Here’s a tip I picked up from a friend that’s helped me a lot — replace self deprecating jokes with ironically self aggrandizing jokes

Like every time I trip and fall, instead of saying “l’m just a disaster human” I say “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”

Or like, when I draw a picture I’m not 100% happy with, instead of saying “my art is trash” I say something like “you know I think it’s time we replaced the Mona Lisa”

When you do that you get to make a joke, but you’re ALSO getting practice building yourself up, y’know?

And eventually it becomes a reflex and you get so used to it that you can say nice stuff about yourself even when you AREN’T joking

This is so important

(Source: colacharm-moved)

just-shower-thoughts:

People don’t realize how much bigger 1 billion is than 1 million. 1 million seconds equal to 11 days whereas 1 billion seconds equal to 31.5 years.

phucklactery:

bowtochris:

chromalogue:

runtime-err0r:

itsvondell:

you can take one man’s trash to another man’s treasure but you can’t make it drink

Fun fact: the blending of idioms or cliches is called a malaphor.

My personal favorite is “We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”

I’m rather fond of “It’s not rocket surgery” and “not the sharpest egg in the attic,” but my all-time favourite is, “…until the cows freeze over.”

You’ve opened this can of worms, now lie in it,

Does the pope shit in the woods?